These three photos are nothing special and they might seem a bit unrelated, but they convey every thing I was feeling today. I went for a long run by the water, my first in three days so it was tough in the beginning. It’s hard to force a sore, tired body to run in the sun when all it wants to do is sit and watch the sun fall in the sky. So instead of focusing on the wind that kept pressing against me encouraging me to stop, I let my mind wander. I thought about Megan, one of the other foreign teachers, who told our coordinator today that she wanted to stay for another semester. When I heard, I was so happy for her. I can see she’s truly happy and at home here and I started to think about myself and my life in this crazy, far-away country called Thailand.
I’ve really settled in and I do think of it as home. I can go on and on about the benefits of living here. I’m really starting to love my job and I think that’s a big part of it. I found myself getting excited when I thought of a good art project for my kindergarteners and when I was making flashcards a week in advance I felt like I accomplished something. My apartment is comfortable and I have no complaints about where I live or the people I’m surrounded by. After getting through the first two weeks of school I’ve experienced little or no stress on a daily basis. Lately, the only time I’m feeling bad is when I take a nap instead of workout. Hearing that Megan is staying sparked a little bit of self reflection and I realized what I already knew, but hadn’t said to myself, life is good. If I didn’t have school loans looming over my head and some pretty amazing people back home, I would definitely stay here. I can’t think of a better place to be right now. This is living.
There are few things I’m terrified of, but one of them is settling. I don’t want to find myself stuck somewhere that isn’t challenging or exciting to me. I think place has a lot to do with happiness and it’s easier for me to see now why I wasn’t happy at certain points in my life. Those times usually fell during the winter months in Philadelphia when I was bogged down with school and work. I like working, but I need purpose and fulfillment and I need time outside, time that’s just for me. Although I love city life for convenience, entertainment and endless job opportunities, I don’t think I can live like that anymore. I needed to escape Philly to realize that maybe it isn’t the right fit for me anymore.
I’m reading a book called “Liberty” by Garrison Keillor and it’s about a sixty-year-old man named Clint who finds himself in a boring marriage, stuck working a job he never wanted and living in a town that doesn’t understand him. A lot of the book is about regret. He lived in California for a while and then decided to come home to tell his parents that he wanted to move out there permanently. When he came home his dad pressured him into the family automotive business and his mom urged him to marry his high school sweetheart. Clint wanted to turn around a few times and go back to California before he came home to say goodbye, but he didn’t do it. Now he’s looking at all the time he’s wasted and he’s at a pivotal point in his life. I haven’t finished the book so I don’t know yet if Clint takes a leap and moves west or stays in Minnesota, but the message is clear, it’s never too late. If today isn’t making you happy find something tomorrow that will. Right now, right here I’m happy, but I also know in five months when I come home I’ll be equally as happy. I just need to find a place that affords me the luxury of being close to my friends and family yet far from any cement jungle. I know I won’t find an entire country full of kind souls or a simple economy and even simpler way of life, but I think I can manage if I just find a quiet corner where people respect one another and there’s a certain level of accountability. I’m not sure where that will be yet, but I need to start brainstorming relatively soon, which brings me back to the photos.
When I saw the sunset from my balcony I realized that although I’ve only been here a little over a month, my time here is coming to an end. The days are going by quickly and before I know it I’ll be on a seventeen-hour flight back to America. The motorcycles represent these feelings of fleeting time. The days and weeks are becoming a blur. I’m feeling anxious about not seeing everything I want to see while I’m here. Who knows when or if I’ll have the opportunity to come back to this side of the planet. I have a lot planned for December so I already know it’s going to pass by in a blink. Today on my run, I went through all the days that Dave will be here and what we’ll be doing and I found myself thinking, that’s it? I feel like he’s gone when he hasn’t even arrived yet. I know those two weeks will be the shortest in Thailand. It is really important for me to stay present in time and place and not dwell on the people, get togethers and family holidays I’m missing, but sometimes that’s difficult. Seeing the motorcycles zooming by reminded me that this will be over before I know it and I can handcuff myself to my friends and family later, but for now I have to live life as an individual. Finally, the photo of the crane symbolized the growth I’m experiencing. Maybe it sounds a bit cheesy, but I really feel like I’m finding a lot out about myself every day. That’s how I felt during my long trips to Jamaica and it has increased tenfold here. I’m hanging out with myself a lot. I’m never talking on the phone like in the states and there’s no TV to keep me company. It allows a lot of time for reflection and thought in which I dig deeper into my own mind. When I saw the workers loading cement slabs onto the crane I pictured a drawer in my brain in which I was collecting new index cards full of observations, feelings and experiences. Something about today made a lot of sense for me. In one respect I was disheartened that the U.S. has a financial strong hold on me, but in the other I was happy that I had a reason to return home to my loved ones and go about figuring out how to be just as at peace with my life in a country so unlike this one.
